Letting Go of Perfectionism in Parenting
Why trying to do everything right paradoxically leads to worse outcomes – and how 'good enough' is freeing.
The term 'good enough parent' comes from British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. Already in the 1950s he recognized: children don't need perfect parents – they need sufficiently good parents who are present, reliable, and human.
Where Perfectionism Shows Up
Perfectionism in parenting shows up in many ways: the perfect birthday buffet, the optimally structured daily routine, the home-cooked organic lunch, the educationally valuable weekend activities. The pressure to do everything 'right' is enormous – and it usually comes from within, not outside.
The Real Cost
Perfectionism in the parenting role is linked to a higher risk of exhaustion and psychological strain. At the same time it often transfers to children: they learn that mistakes aren’t allowed and develop perfectionist tendencies themselves.
High Standards vs. Perfectionism
The way out: distinguish between 'high standards' (healthy) and 'perfectionism' (unhealthy). High standards allow mistakes and flexibility. Perfectionism doesn't. Ask yourself: 'Will my child remember in 10 years whether the cake was homemade?'
Key takeaways
- 1Winnicott's 'good enough parent' beats perfection every time.
- 2Perfectionist parents have higher burnout and anxiety rates.
- 3Your perfectionism transfers to your child.
- 4High standards allow mistakes – perfectionism doesn't.
Practical tip
Practical exercise: each week, consciously choose one area where you allow yourself to be 'good enough' rather than perfect. Watch what happens. Usually: nothing bad – but you'll have more energy for what really counts: connection, presence, and love.
Scientific sources
- Winnicott, D. W. (1953). Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena.
- Curran, T. & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time. Psychological Bulletin.
Janik NotheisSportpsychologe (M.Sc.)
Sport psychologist (M.Sc.) with experience coaching elite athletes. Founder of Parent Heart, because parents deserve the same mental support as top athletes.
- Reviewed by:
- Janik Notheis, M.Sc. Sportpsychologie
- Last updated: